I think I've lost it,

I don't supposed you need a reason to feel upset or unhappy. Certain emotions come knocking on my door - I do not go around looking for them - and then I'd look for the source. I get frustrated. Because there is no right or wrong, if you say, 'This is it, that's why I was so unhappy, ' then it is. So everything could be a possibility of delusion.

But I felt compelled to share this with you "boring" people who are so appreciative of my boring entries.

Remembered the day when I went for my job interview, Sihui asked me why not apply for the permanent post, rather than the supposedly not-fixed-working hour-and-the-lesser-paid freelance position I'd first requested for. Tabitha asked me this, too, given that I had the plentiful time to spare ('cause I might hopefully continue the remaining 1 year of my degree program only next year) as well as the necessary experience in this line (of job).

So I said I'd like to do part-time first, get to know the people, and that the working environment is suitable for me before I decided to really do full time.

Sihui replied, 'People here are like brothers and sisters.' (Tabitha nodded).

And then she continued, 'You don't believe in us, right?'




Well, I ended up doing a full timer. And I would say, it has been a great experience.

There are different kinds of people, here. You get the slacker. You get the dark horse. You get the real-worker. You get the know-it-all. You get the mediatator. You get the opposition party. You get the joker different kinds. And sometimes, cliques formed. And this may seem like a journey of a zillion light years, but it will be over before I know it, and then I will start hoping I would have done some things other way. But it's too late.




Btw, things have changed now. Many people have left and in an instant, many will be leaving (which I don't wish to reveal who here). And even for some of us, we are becoming like strangers now. At times, I questioned what Sihui had told me previously. That bond we used to have is slowly but surely dying...

Or maybe it was never there.




Suddenly I feel I am no longer the person I used to be. I'm drowned in angst, worry, and fear.
One day I will look back at myself today and ask why I've been such a fool acting this way. So why can't I stop myself now?

Like everyone else, I would like a happy ending. But maybe my time is up. It's time for me to go.




I do believe I am not sounding sane. But I am not drunk or anything and it's only 2 in the morning. I don't even know what I'm really talking about. Do you??

(Till then.)




I've fallen deep. But no one was there. So now I need to climb back up.