An Essential Guide to Singlish.

I laughed instantly when I saw this in one of the toilet cubicles in the shopping mall where I'm working at.

Gosh. Of course, I didn't laugh aloud myself inside the cubicle to be embarrased. You can never imagine how startled and terrified some people will be. But just try speaking this in an ah beng lingo. You know how, it's quite hilarious!

*Do you ever give a thought why these insane people vandalise walls to rant, rave and vent (haha don't tell me it's graffiti) when they can in fact, release their heavily lined up-ed narcissistic pursuits in a blog like this.

However, I'd gladly talk to 20 ah bengs who speak like that than to some Singaporeans who speak perfectly good English. Some people reaaaally make me wanna clench my fists and grit my teeth, and yet, I have to speak to them nicely and try to get them to listen.

Here's one typical scenario.

Customer: Hello?

Victim: Good morning, how can I help you?

Customer: I've enquired about a book last two weeks. One of the staff told me the book will arrive this week. But why have I not gotten any response yet?

Victim: Errr...

Customer: I might be flying overseas next Wednesday and I need it quite urgently. This reflects poorly on your service... blah blah...

Victim: zzzz...

Customer: Are you listening?

Victim: Er... Yes yes... I'm with you sir...

I WASN'T THE ONE HANDLING YOUR ENQUIRY!

These kind of customers are the really longwinded kind. They can paint a whole portrait in technicolours when they just want to simply find out the status of the book they want. What's worst if they use the irritated and impatient tone, as if I can control when they get their goods.

But it's ok, I can get my own kicks out of this.

Victim: *after checking the system* Ok sir, it's true we've placed an order for this book some time ago and we supposed to receive it last two days. It may be out of stock at our supplier side. However I can still check with them again. If they really do not have it, then I can only order for you from overseas...

Customer: Ya

Victim: Blah blah... but this process takes approximately 4-6 weeks...

Customer: WHAAAT!?!?

I simply love stressing on the "4-6 weeks" part! I get a cheap thrill listening to the impatient customers let out a loud GASP!

Revenge is shiok!!!

MUAHAHAHAHA! CAN YOU FEEL THE SENSE OF EMPOWERMENT?

Oh yes! I have to share this hilarious conversation I had with another customer yesterday. It made me laugh by myself after that!

Customer: Haaaaalow!

Victim: Good morning. I'm calling regarding the book... blah blah... (fyi, it's a Feng Shui book)

Customer: Orrh... I want to enquiry, how much is it ah?

Victim: *shudders at the bad English* It's $22.50 without GST sir. (cos I forgot to calculate first)

Customer: Then hor, with GST, will more anot ah?

Victim: -_-"

CLASSIC!

I've always thought that majority of the locals are educated, if not knowledgeable enough so as not to appear utterly spastic.

OBVIOUSLY NOT.

(There're definitely alot more hilarious people out there which I've yet to encounter while working here.)

*On a side note, it's my boss' last day at work tomorrow. Will surely miss him when he leaves.